I only kidnapped one of them. chill
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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