Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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