I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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