I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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