I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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