someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
