I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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