She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
