Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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