I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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