Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
