Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
