She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
