Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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