You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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