I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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