Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
