I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
