Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
