I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
