OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
