Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
