after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
