Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
