Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
