I puked a lego.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
