And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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