Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
