Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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