The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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