mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
