we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
