Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
