Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
