The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize