Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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