how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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