dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
