It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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