roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
