just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
