u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize