Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
