my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
