Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
