my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
