I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
