im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
