Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm passing your future prison.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
