; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
