Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
